Stake and Potatoes

Salt Lake City | Posted - Jan. 24, 2022

The University of Utah announced a 25% across the board tuition increase for all students effective immediately intended to ease the stress on students from the pandemic. "Our students have been stressed about the pandemic and are having a difficult time concentrating on anything else. After careful consideration of the problems faced by our students, we have decided to raise tuition prices so they can worry about something else again - you know, a sort of return to normalcy" said Taylor Randall, the University President announcing the increase. Lori McDonald, Vice President for Student Affairs added that in addition to the tuition increase, students can look forward to more online and hybrid classes that make learning even more difficult and relieve their stress by leaving little time to worry about the pandemic. "We are a student focussed University, and that is why we are adding capacity to the Rice Eccles Stadium this year." she added.

Salt Lake City | Posted - Jan. 23, 2022

In an effort to ease data gathering and relieve the pressure on testing sites, Utah's legislature passed a $30 Million bill authorizing the purchase of masks pre-loaded with COVID. These masks will be distributed free of charge to all Utah residents and will be given out with purchases through DABC stores as well. Speaker of the House Brad Wilson said these masks will be available in a choice of variants with the majority being Delta and Omicron. "Most constituents I have spoken to have expressed a preference for Omicron, so I emphasized that we need to procure more of those pre-loaded" Wilson said.

Governor Spencer Cox said that this will greatly enhance data collection and allow people to choose which variant they want to acquire. "We have made the variants color coded so they will easily identify the variant the wearer is carrying. The cost savings from not having to test and identify the positive cases will save Utah tax payers thousands of dollars." he added.

The Salt Lake County Health Department said in response that they will issue an anti-mask mandate making masks illegal. "This is an absurd idea" said the County Health Department's spokesperson speaking on condition of anonymity. "The Republican big government overreach into municipal and local issues is getting out of hand. Next they will want us to hand over our guns". The State Health Department could not be reached for comment.

Salt Lake City | Posted - Jan. 23, 2022

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints announced on Sunday that tithing requirements will be adjusted upwards to keep pace with inflation beginning in February 2022. Church members will now be required to tithe 10.75% of their incomes , up from 10%. Church spokesman Richard Braxton said that with inflation showing no signs of easing up, it is a necessary step for the Church to remain solvent long-term. "While food prices have gone up almost 13% , and energy prices have increased by 8%, we arrived at the 7.5% adjustment after a careful consideration of the needs of the Church." Braxton explained. "Besides, our Gamestop and Crypto bets haven't quite paid off this past quarter and we need to make up for that somehow." he added.